~WHY~

WHY no word from my friend who I hope goes to the retreat? Hmmm.....close your eyes and it will go away right?
Well....I AIN'T GOIN AWAY.....

~MY GF UPDATE~July 26, 2004 5:20 p.m.

Well, My GF did leave. I am heartsick. I just IM'D with her BF and he said she had left here at 3 p.m....We were maybe 3 blocks apart, unbeknownst to either of us....how bad does that suck!?! So....after no sleep, much emotional crap, etcetera....I am eXhausted and depressed as hell....beating myself up over some other issues yada yada yada....
My GF was forced to take a BUS of all things....her journey will last until wednesday morning....no plane fare....so I will fone her then and I guess we will commiserate together....what a bloody miserable waste....life can really suck shit....there are other issues I cannot talk about....but this at least updates on the situation with my dear friend....Now if only I would hear from my other dear friend....make the damn call Dude!!! I just want you to be well....it's as simple as that man.

~KITTY HAIKUS~

A FRIEND SENT ME THESE KITTY HAIKUS & I JUST LOVED THEM....

 

You never feed me.

Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.

That will sure show you.

 

I need a new toy.

Tail of black dog keeps good time.

Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

 

The rule for today:

Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.

 

In deep sleep hear sound;

Cat vomit hairball somewhere.

Will find in morning.

 

Grace personified,

I leap into the window.

I meant to do that.

 

Blur of motion. then

--Silence, me, a paper bag.

What is so funny?

 

The mighty hunter

Returns with gifts of plump birds--

Your foot just squashed one.

 

You're always typing.

Well, let's see you ignore my

sitting on your hands.

 

My small cardboard box.

You cannot see me if I

can just hide my head.

 

Kitty like plastic

.Confuses for litter box.

Don't leave tarp around.

 

Small brave carnivores

Kill pine cones and mosquitoes

Fear vacuum cleaner

 

Want to trim my claws?

Don't even think about it!

My yelps will wake dead.

 

I want to be closeTo you.

 Can I fit my headInside

your armpit?

 

Wanna go outside.

Oh, no! Help! I got outside!

Let me back inside!

 

Humans are so strange.

Mine lies still in bed, then screams!

My claws aren't that sharp. . .

 

Cats meow out of angst"

Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!

We could break so much!"

 

Litter box not here.

You must have moved it again.

I'll poop in the sink.

~~~~~~~~~~

#1~SCATHED~#2~DEPRESSED~#3~PISSED ON~#4~AARRGGHH!!!!!!!~

~SCATHED~
Scathed...not unscathed by this one....I am so upset about some things....My buddy never answered my post about "Blowing a Golden Opportunity" so either he has read it and is pissed or he has ignored it....I emailed him to let make him aware of it but he sometimes doesn't go online for long stretches and his monitor is giving him trouble....I can only hope he has either read it or decided to make the call of his own accord and has gone to the retreat or is planning to go, which I HOPE for, as he really definitely needs to so his health will improve a great deal....He is a very dear, special friend and he is my best make friend and when something hurts him or upsets him, it upsets and hurts me....yet he pulls away from me a lot....At this point I don't know what to do....He hasn't called me or emailed so I just do not know how to feel....I'm more hurt than anything I guess....I think that HE thinks that every time we feud or disagree that will end our friendship....he couldn't be more wrong, if indeed he thinks that....but he is very avoidant and will let things goo for too long & for too far before he seems to make any sort of overture....I just wish I meant enough to him that he would remember this AFFECTS ME TOO .... NOT just him and MY FEELINGS are hurting and I am hanging in limbo.
~DEPRESSED~
I have a friend who has been back near here visiting for a few weeks and she got sick about the same time I did, and she had just arrived from another country but we were unable to see each other....both being ill....then
there are things that have taken place in her life with her relationship and we have been hoping
 to see each other for so long....to really talk and connect and hug and cry together and pour out our hearts....
over 2 years she has been gone and the relationship with her BF is on hiatis for a year, but she is leaving for the southern U.S.A. today and we have missed seeing one another....I am so angry & frustrated because WHY did the timing have to be such that we were both ill at the same time?....and now we have missed out on spending precious time together & she may not be back in this area for years! I could not sleep all night for thinking about it and am just miserable....we are so close, yet so far away and today she flies away....
Our only communication had been by email & instant messenger....phone occasionally....yet we have not even talked since she got back here since where she's staying has no phone and for some reason, now, I've had no email from her either....I feel that something is amiss that she's not tewlling me....not between she & I, but something in her life, which I suspect is within her relationship with her BF....that is a whole other story....
~PISSED ON~
at any rate, I have been stressed out with all these things, have had a migraine and no sleep for 2 days and both my cats have been pissing all over the carpet and I can't get them to stop and it reeks in here....When I found more piss this morning, I was so infuriated I could hardly keep from screaming....actually, i DID scream some and then with this putrid migraine, proceeded to scrub the carpet with rags and a scrub brush, then poured scalding water on it and mopped it up with bath towels....but it's not gonna improve I see, the carpet is shot, the smell is making me sick and my crib is infinitesimally tiny, so small that a steam cleaner would be absurd, especially when they usually just compound the problem and there are shitty hardwood floors underneath....this stench is here to stay....the carpet needs to be thrown away....I RENT and plus I am confused about the pissing....I had one neutered male for a year,, then adopted another neutered male....the second one is very edgy and nervous and frightens easily and I have wotked with him a lot & he is getting better but I think he was never litter trained & also there is probably a territorial marking thing going on between them....my first boy never pissed on anything and now he has added shitting to the repertoire....so my second boy does it npow too....I have tried spanking, rewards, mega cleaning the litter boxes, u name it, all to no avail...I am beyond frustrated....I adopt for life so there's absolutely NO WAY I would EVER get rid of them....so I must somehow find a solution....I have tried to find a house....I would rip out all carpets and put down linoleum in every room in the hope that even if it were not a cure, it would be easier to clean with no lingering stench....yet there has been piss on my sofa, futon, etcetera....so....I am hopellessly frustrated and adding that to everything else this has been a helluva rough stretch.
AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!

~ MY FRIEND....READ ME GENTLY~

My friend needs to realize....that this is FOR him, on his behalf and to aid him....it is for his own good and all I want is for him to feel great and live again....so, my friend, you know who u r....READ ME GENTLY....Read the post below this titled "Blowing a Golden Opportunity" It is only because I love you.

~BLOWING A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY~

I'm tilted....I'm pissed, upset....Something I really despise is being lied to, betrayed, deceived....
I feel that if someone is a good friend, and you care about one another, both parties should strive for honesty, want to be honest....and I am feeling letdown and troubled that someone near & dear to me felt he had to deceive me....He had asked my opinion on some upcoming decisions he needed to make and we talked on the fone for nearly 3 hours, going over all the fine points, details, pros and cons of his decision....he said he really wanted my input and was totally up in the air about things so as we continued the discussion, lengthy and convoluted, I began to feel that he was pulling away or hiding something but I carried on as if nothing were amiss....when we finally seemed to be nearing the end of the coversation, he sheepishly said he needed to tell me something....and proceeded to tell me that he had ALREADY MADE THE DECISION, had called the appropriate parties and that it was resolved!!!! I asked him WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW????!!!??? WHAT the hell did you want from me then? Why the hell did we just deliberate this for the last 3 hours??? Why weren't you UP FRONT with me?? Now, he is fully aware that I feel he should go ahead with the plan he had originally made....let me eXplain here: My friend was going to go to a health retreat....he had just spent a few weeks there about a month or so ago and wanted to return since he needs more time there to work on some major health issues....he has chronic health problems due to  farm chemicals he was exposed to years ago. So he completed his time at the health retreat and had no money to continue the stay, therefore, he spoke with the administration about gaining employment in their facility in exchange for room & board, all the program benefits, organic foods, nutritional supplements  and everything he'd received as a paying resident....and he'd only need to work half days. He had fully agreed to everything, however, he told them he'd be in touch with regard to the time slot & scheduling. They would only need him until fall, so he would need to get going soon. In the meantime, he developed a problem and although I won't go into detail about it, it is something he can take care of in just a few days....yet, as always, he sabotages his successes by backing out of the health retreat agreement to deal with this problem. Now, in a few days the problem will have been remedied, yet he will, for no good reason, have screwed himself out of the health retreat and all it's benefits....and for what? He NEEDS to build up his health....could not afford to....has this perfect opportunity HANDED to him and he shuts the door on it. He still has 2 weeks til he had to GO to the retreat....and so in the meantime, he will be doing nothing....and he spends most of his time at home, "thinking', he says....and his thinking is obsessive and is not constructive, he dwells in the past and he has very little sense of time passing....until suddenly YEARS have gone by and he continues to bemoan his plight, wishing for what was and never gaining ground toward beginning anew for he will never listen to anyone or follow the advice of good friends, counselours or therapists. He, instead, chooses to wallow in his own misery....He claims that he is too "weak" to follow any of the plans set for him by the retreat or his doctors....so after arriving home from the retreat, where he had quit smoking, quit sugar, dairy, meat, junk....had exercised, followed a rigorous structure, learned some cooking and people skills and was detoxifying his body, he returns home and immediately begins smoking, eating junk food, staying up all night and threw his immune system into a tailspin....so now he is back where he started....which is why it pisses me off that he refuses to return, when it will cost him NOTHING and all because he has a distorted mindset, believing he needs a rest after solving his current problem....when what he TRULY needs is the RETREAT so he may begin boosting his immunity....He knows this yet he cannot be reasoned with....I only want it FOR HIM, I have no ulterior motive, no hidden reasons....I have known him for 25 or so years and I know him WELL....I only want the best for him because I care...yet he chooses to blow that off, sabotage himself, deceive me, his so-called best buddy....Hence, I am pissed, hurt, confused....
I saw great results beginning, his mind was clearer, his energy levels increased, his attitude much more optimistic, his anxiety reduced....his immunity boosted, his communication improved....and by going back to the retreat to work, acquiring room & board & program benefits, he would not only continue to improve, but chances were good it may also be possible to migrate to another of the retreats' branches in a southern state, to work, enjoy the same benefits and winter there. He has screwed himself out of a golden opportunity. He bitches that life sux and he never gets a break and 'why me', etcetera....yet here lies the gateway toward golden health and happiness, opening onto even greater horizons....
I just do not understand why he has done this.
P.S. I know he will read this and all the arguments and protestations he will utter....He will wonder how seriously I take the "problem" he had to deal with: My answer would be that I take it very seriously, I understand the ramifications and in's and out's, however, the problem was NO REASON not to go to the retreat. None whatsoever. It, in fact, is all the MORE reason to GO to the retreat!
He will argue that I, myself, cannot seem to quit smoking either, as though that would bear any relevance, which it would not. I am not the one who was offered this golden opportunity, I did not ask his help or advice, I am not at stake here...He is. His life and future health. Summer is short. I just do not want him to pass life by....opportunity usually does not knock twice, he needs to grab this opportunity. I feel that he is not seeing the forest for the trees....Perhaps this blog will lay it all out in an understandable, coherent way that will appeal to his sensibilities. All too often, people just wait for something to happen instead if making it happen. Here was, maybe still is, a perfectly golden opportunity to pull himself up and make something great happen....time goes by, we age, become infirm....die. Why live with regrets? God wants us to work toward achievements and to be the best we can be....to approach each endeavour with all thy might....not to fold and wimp out. As we meet each new challenge, we grow as people, we grow in strength, we grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally....
My friend has eXpressed to me that he has a multitude of regrets about his life and feels hopeless....here is a chance to begin anew, to build new memories and forge new strengths....to reject it will bring upon him a new burden of regrets he can dwell on forever...or not....
YOU DO STILL HAVE A CHOICE MY FRIEND BUT YOU MUST ACT IMMEDIATELY
                                                         MAKE THE CALL

FEAR FACTOR FAITH

I have a great friend who is suffering from a mighty affliction....and it is paralyzing him. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically....Notice how fried and wiped out, bone weary tired you can be....when suddenly your best friend pops in or you win money or something super happens and the fatigue seems to magically vanish? Our minds are powerful little units....we can control a lot more than we generally think....illustrated by the many times we believe we have reached the end of our rope and haven't anything left, we're done in....and suddenly a fire breaks out or we've received sudden great news and our bodies and minds surge! There WAS a bit more fuel in the ol carcass! Pushing ourselves just that wee bit more than we think we are able: Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically....these little nudges or outright leaps are absolutely essential for our growth. It is all too easy to stagnate....to feel like it's not worth the bother and to give into the mind numbing lethargy of depression. To get out of that mode, we need to light a motivating fire under ourselves and break out! Fast! Life is short!
I know some people who believe that prayer is merely a placebo or just a catharsis....I can attest to the fact that it is NOT! I'm sure that as we pray, certainly it is cathartic, it soothes to be able to pour forth our hurts, pain, anguish and confess ourselves....however, the healing, guidance and insight come from God's help. There are many days that only through the grace and compassion and greatness of our Heavenly Father am I able to face the day and find any hope or even a reason to drag myself off the bed and begin a new day with an optimistic outlook. I find myself unable to face life without God guiding me and helping me over the rough patches, which are many. I often compare my life with that of other's whose journey is so much more difficult and I am more grateful and appreciative of my own blessings. I know it could always be much worse. Last winter, I read "The Hiding Place" and was awestricken at the faith one woman had for God....I really could not even fathom such selfless dedication and goodness. Faced with nothing but misery and persecution, yet she remained faithful and loyal to God, under conditions that were absolutely deplorable. Not only did she retain her faith, she grew in faith, throughout it all. I wonder how I would have fared....I wonder if  I would fail miserably, perhaps become angry and bitter, wondering  why God would allow such suffering. I must strive daily to remind myself that someday we humans will be spirits....our bodies will no longer remain, so that all that we are must be embodied within our soul, our spirit....no tactile senses, no body to clothe, to enhance, no facade behind which to hide.....then what? WHO will we be? We will become the sum of our parts....our feelings, thoughts, spirituality, all we ARE will be all we become. Scary thought? Really, it is if you believe that God will someday, in the not very far-off-future call us all forth in judgment....and we will all be held accountable for who we have become!
I fear it, yet I welcome the thought of Heaven....To once again meet up with those we had lost to death, perhaps our pets as well....I fantasize about what Heaven will be like. Since I believe that the hereafter will be first lived upon the earth,after we are called forth from the grave by God, (or perhaps some of us will be still living when Jesus comes!!)  I visualize a place where there is no illness, no war, crime, poverty, sadness, misery, fighting, backstabbing.....where unity and peace, love and joy will fill us....where we will be taught how to fully serve God and spend our days doing so....learning, sharing, striving toward that day when we are transformed, our learning complete, brought to fruition and we then assume our spiritual selves! No battle of the sexes, for we will be of no particular sex, as spirits are of no sex....from there, I cannot quite imagine just what we shall undertake....(as spirit beings) but it is really quite mind blowing to try! I read so much about avoiding (at all costs) being deceived by the beast and so I worry about that and wonder how many of us will be lost as a result of that devious deceit. I need to buckle down to reading my Bible, praying for understanding and then I will be baptised. I was baptised as a baby, yet I feel that is not valid, since I believe we must be adults and certain of just what we are undertaking before we are baptised and receive the Gift of the HOLY SPIRIT. I was baptised in a different faith as a baby....a faith that I chose to turn away from as an adult. They were not Sabbath keeping, they observed holidays I feel are pagan and performed and observed ritualistic religion, which I believe is meaningless. To truly pray, one must communicate with God from one's heart....speaking the truth and pouring forth one's soul. In ritualistic religion, one merely utters pre fab prayers and repeats verbatim, words written by another,a hypnotic litany,  that hold little or no meaning for any individual. I can't imagine they mean much to God either. I think we need to speak with reverence and respect and earnestness as we communicate with God....ask Him for faith, strength, hope, guidance and He will help us to grow. Eventually, you will find yourself talking to God more and more throughout the course of the day....and will become closer to Him, learning more about trust in Him. It is so difficult to learn how to leave things in His hands once we have prayed. We must always ask Him for the GIFT of FAITH! I need help with faith every day! The times I have worked hard to help myself and then asked God to guide me through whatever it was, IF I let go and allowed Him to help me, and I followed His path, things worked out perfectly. The times I resisted, things failed. Yet, I still, being human and weak, with a humanoid attitude, require reassurances and ask God for faith daily. I wonder why it is that I still lack in faith, why when God has helped me more times than I know, would I still lack in faith? There were disciples in the Bible days who had that same query...asking God WHY that which they should do, they did not want to do, and that which they should not do, they yearned to do! I attribute some to human nature and some to the devil....we are contrary, we humanoids....always bucking the system, authority, etcetera....selfish, self centered, arrogant. thinking we are adequate to make our own way, but we are not. I certainly must hurry to begin my journey to walk with God....I know I need more changes than can ever be wrought by me in 100 lifetimes but through God's mercy and forgiveness, through Jesus Christ giving His life so that we may be saved, there is still hope! Without that hope....then what???
 

~CHRONIC~

Nuthin like chronic illness.....to cheer one on their way! I have an immune system disease and it seems like not a day goes by that I'm not down with crappola.....I live in mortal fear of flu season, hate going to docs and am allergic to everything under the sun! Oh yeah, that's right...I'm also allergic TO the sun! And antibiotics, plants, perfumes, etcetera etcetera!! Lol! At any rate.....life sucks more often than not so I have had to work hard to cultivate a decent attitiude. This is a tall order for a dysthymic, neurotic, immune compromised individual! I am allergic to the cold and have thee most f****d up temperature gauge in the world.....It has gotten so bad I dream of living in a totally climate controlled bubble.....can any mere mortal volunteer to dwell in the bio-dome? I feel so wretchedly sick from even minute temperature changes that I am finding life nearly impossible. I have certainly considered suicide.....however, I am a Christian and so I feel that suicide is unacceptable. I wonder how many other people in the world deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis? Will penning my thoughts on all of this make me feel like a whiny ass muthaf****r or will it be cathartic? I belong to several so-called support groups, however, I always find myself taking on the role of caregiver/supporter/bucker-upper/yada yada yada....
I find myself absolutely unable to eXpress my fears, feelings, whatever.....for reasons which I am only just discovering as I plod forth on life's journey.....I believe I do not want to be construed as a whiner or feel vulnerable or ??? Plus, I find very little value or help in support groups.....the online groups at least.....it is so easy for most people to simply patronise, to offer up platitudes and weak, lame, oft repeated, meaningless phrases and these are empty and I find that support in that sense is not that which I seek in the first place.....I seek to connect with someone who has endured exactly what I deal with so we may compare notes, share in information, coping tips and offer up empathy and prayers to one another.....since I have never really allowed myself to dwell in the land of the "ill" nor was I allowed to as a child growing up, I have had no friends or acquaintances who dealt with immune system snafu and I was a lonely kid attempting to find my place in the scheme of things.....I hid that too.....I was taught that the world has no sympathy and that to let down one's guard leaves one fairly defenseless and at the mercy of those who would seek to devour the weak. Therefore, I was to hide my illness as best I could, never complain. Attempt to blend in as best I could.....now I do not mean pattern myself after others for I was a very individualized humanoid with my own strong opinions and ideas about things.....yet, to try to gracefully blend in and learn to be a part of the "well" world.
In those days, there was not much known about the immune system.....and it was not until I was in my 20's that there was a name for what ailed me. There were those who were skeptical of my illness, those who believed.....and times I doubted myself, beat myself up, loathed myself, yet throughout, underlying it all.....was an inner voice telling me that someday I would find credibilty.....which I did, eventually. I found it when they put a name to what I had, when finally many of my symptoms were explained to me.....yet, those of us who do dwell in this never-never land have a tough time accepting ourselves as we are.....we are all too often feeling the need to explain ourselves, to apologise, to push ourselves harder, to overdo it physically just to save face.....
I think that, too, is one of the many reasons I find myself putting my all into the support of others who belong to some of the groups I frequent.....I so loathe the pat replies some people post and I feel so much pain for the people who are reaching out in need and I think that anything less than a dedicated and heartfelt reply is cheating them and I know how it feels to be patronised and treated as though I am not important, as though in illness, one suddenly has no value or credence, is non essential, is value-less.....INVALID....F*** I HATE THAT WORD!!!! No one should ever have to feel that way.
In life, when someone suffers.....some sufferers wish to inflict pain on others, to cause them misery simply because they themselves are suffering.
Then there are those whose own of suffering has made them more aware and sensitive to the needs and pain of others....they identify and are filled with empathy and compassion.....I truly feel that way.....I hate to see anyone have to suffer and I feel this need to help them. I have always felt that way about animals and would always try to take in and help every stray and orphaned critter....it was only when I got older that I began to feel that way toward humans.....I had at one time wondered if I were severely lacking in compassion because I felt such love and empathy for animals but not the same as for humans and I prayed about it, asking God to impart compassion for others within me.....and I have found my compassion growing.....I don't mean to imply I had none, just that I felt more compassion for animals but I think much of that has to do with the fact that animals are helpless and NEED our compassion and help.....they need humans to champion their causes and to nurse their ills and protect them.....I have never really looked at humans as being very helpless, compared.....
So there are chronic illnesses.....chronic allergies.....chronic liars.....chronic attitudes, good and bad.....chronic .....lives
C H R O N I C

~SMOKY DREAMZZZ~ 

SMOKIN

HEADY EXHALATION ..... filtered and mentholly.....lighting one from another.....mustn't break the chain.....gasping, clawing, reaching, sobbing for oXygen.....cloaked, enshrouded within the foggy halo of salem and nightsweat.....please release me let me goooooooooo

I'll do it.....really.....today's the day.....I'll kick them.....so long Mr. Jones.....

Kitty kuddling.....the tobaccoroma emanating forth from the friction of fur, smoggy nestled stench infiltrates all .....

clings.....

reeks.....

I freaking despise this evil grip.....

I REBUKE THEE.....

chewing gum and horehound drops.....

carrot sticks and lollipops.....

what will ease this agony.....

what moment, then, will i be free?

INSOMNIACZ CURSE.....

AMONG THE MANY

E X H A L E S   W I T H   A  N O I S Y   R A T T L E

NEBULAS WEB: FRIDAY JULY 16, 2004

DAWN...cracked open and bashed my skull, creating a fissure and spilling forth the paltry contents. Warped and ragged, the gaping wound, a cavernous echoing cacophony....
WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever repeat a word...so many times it loses it's meaning, becoming foreign sounding and eventually hilarious? O.k., maybe ya had to be there...you know...that twilighty time between daylight breaking and midnight madness.....when nothing is as it seems.....finding a bizarre kind of fascination in the most mundane articles.....have I always had a cleft in my chin? Wooowww man......or, say, peer closely into your magnifying mirror.....(freaks!!!) or.....study closely a simple human hair (or your cat's) with that microscope you just happen to have handy.....or a hangnail.....a cat's claw.....o.k. u get the picture.....I wonder just how long I'll continue to remain relatively sane with 30 hour stretches awake and mere snippets of slumber in between......this blog, my friends, is dedicated to the insomniac.....insomniac-itis.....sleeplessness.....fatigue.....fevered frenzy.....   C a T a T o N i A
and those of you captured in it's grip will identify with this blog and it's madness.....Obsessive compulsives will also relate.....Picture it: An addle-minded insomniac, caught in the web of awakeness, yet not quite coherent, anXiety riddled and brain scarred from years of it.....notices the miniscule irregularity in the length of one's bangs.....suddenly, with scissors in hand, poised before the mirror, follicular surgery commences.....snarling and cursing, comb in one trembling paw, measuring, calculating, foggy eyed, tilted....snippety, clip, chop,  painstakingly, achingly, yearning to right a wrong, correct this subtle, yet maddening imbalance.....two hours later, sweating profusely, swearing, screamin,  sobbing, limping, reaching for any justification, any assurances.....shopping online for "human hair" wigs.
WAKE UP! WAKE UP!! IT'S TIME TO GO TO SLEEP!!!