~CHRONIC~

Nuthin like chronic illness.....to cheer one on their way! I have an immune system disease and it seems like not a day goes by that I'm not down with crappola.....I live in mortal fear of flu season, hate going to docs and am allergic to everything under the sun! Oh yeah, that's right...I'm also allergic TO the sun! And antibiotics, plants, perfumes, etcetera etcetera!! Lol! At any rate.....life sucks more often than not so I have had to work hard to cultivate a decent attitiude. This is a tall order for a dysthymic, neurotic, immune compromised individual! I am allergic to the cold and have thee most f****d up temperature gauge in the world.....It has gotten so bad I dream of living in a totally climate controlled bubble.....can any mere mortal volunteer to dwell in the bio-dome? I feel so wretchedly sick from even minute temperature changes that I am finding life nearly impossible. I have certainly considered suicide.....however, I am a Christian and so I feel that suicide is unacceptable. I wonder how many other people in the world deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis? Will penning my thoughts on all of this make me feel like a whiny ass muthaf****r or will it be cathartic? I belong to several so-called support groups, however, I always find myself taking on the role of caregiver/supporter/bucker-upper/yada yada yada....
I find myself absolutely unable to eXpress my fears, feelings, whatever.....for reasons which I am only just discovering as I plod forth on life's journey.....I believe I do not want to be construed as a whiner or feel vulnerable or ??? Plus, I find very little value or help in support groups.....the online groups at least.....it is so easy for most people to simply patronise, to offer up platitudes and weak, lame, oft repeated, meaningless phrases and these are empty and I find that support in that sense is not that which I seek in the first place.....I seek to connect with someone who has endured exactly what I deal with so we may compare notes, share in information, coping tips and offer up empathy and prayers to one another.....since I have never really allowed myself to dwell in the land of the "ill" nor was I allowed to as a child growing up, I have had no friends or acquaintances who dealt with immune system snafu and I was a lonely kid attempting to find my place in the scheme of things.....I hid that too.....I was taught that the world has no sympathy and that to let down one's guard leaves one fairly defenseless and at the mercy of those who would seek to devour the weak. Therefore, I was to hide my illness as best I could, never complain. Attempt to blend in as best I could.....now I do not mean pattern myself after others for I was a very individualized humanoid with my own strong opinions and ideas about things.....yet, to try to gracefully blend in and learn to be a part of the "well" world.
In those days, there was not much known about the immune system.....and it was not until I was in my 20's that there was a name for what ailed me. There were those who were skeptical of my illness, those who believed.....and times I doubted myself, beat myself up, loathed myself, yet throughout, underlying it all.....was an inner voice telling me that someday I would find credibilty.....which I did, eventually. I found it when they put a name to what I had, when finally many of my symptoms were explained to me.....yet, those of us who do dwell in this never-never land have a tough time accepting ourselves as we are.....we are all too often feeling the need to explain ourselves, to apologise, to push ourselves harder, to overdo it physically just to save face.....
I think that, too, is one of the many reasons I find myself putting my all into the support of others who belong to some of the groups I frequent.....I so loathe the pat replies some people post and I feel so much pain for the people who are reaching out in need and I think that anything less than a dedicated and heartfelt reply is cheating them and I know how it feels to be patronised and treated as though I am not important, as though in illness, one suddenly has no value or credence, is non essential, is value-less.....INVALID....F*** I HATE THAT WORD!!!! No one should ever have to feel that way.
In life, when someone suffers.....some sufferers wish to inflict pain on others, to cause them misery simply because they themselves are suffering.
Then there are those whose own of suffering has made them more aware and sensitive to the needs and pain of others....they identify and are filled with empathy and compassion.....I truly feel that way.....I hate to see anyone have to suffer and I feel this need to help them. I have always felt that way about animals and would always try to take in and help every stray and orphaned critter....it was only when I got older that I began to feel that way toward humans.....I had at one time wondered if I were severely lacking in compassion because I felt such love and empathy for animals but not the same as for humans and I prayed about it, asking God to impart compassion for others within me.....and I have found my compassion growing.....I don't mean to imply I had none, just that I felt more compassion for animals but I think much of that has to do with the fact that animals are helpless and NEED our compassion and help.....they need humans to champion their causes and to nurse their ills and protect them.....I have never really looked at humans as being very helpless, compared.....
So there are chronic illnesses.....chronic allergies.....chronic liars.....chronic attitudes, good and bad.....chronic .....lives
C H R O N I C