~WASTED DAZE & WASTED NIGHTZ~

WHY can't I be normal??? I lament.......I yearn to be one of those seemingly normal types who can face each day with joy and optimism, who can schedule plans and physically be able to fulfill them, who can look toward the future and see light...who can sleep at night and who maintain a perfectly normal schedule of awakening in the early morn, drowsing off at a reasonable time of night.....who can shut their brain down, who has no anxiety or depression, who has faith enough to leave things fully in God's hands.
Instead, I have no joy or optimism, I can schedule nothing, I can never be sure when I'll have slept or if I'll be up for daze in a row, I see nothing but darkness, no future, only ill health and doom, unable to sleep until I am too wiped out to stand and even then, maybe not, my brain is carbonated, fizzing and overflowing, i am full of anxiety, depressed at the thought that there are no prospects for me, my faith falters and i am drowning in misery.
My health, or rather, lack of it is mostly at the root of this all....I continue to pray for healing....
IS THIS ALL THERE IS? EVER WILL BE?
I CANNOT LIVE WITH THAT.

~FUGGEDDABOUTIT & MISERIEZ ETCETERA~

SEPTEMBER 2004....I cannot believe it....Somehow I never thought I'd live this long I guess....I want life to be what it could have been, should have been....I am filled with regrets, wasted days, sorrows and angst....Why oh why must there be suffering and pain....Ahhh yes the age old question I reckon....a question asked a billion times throughout the ages....yet, new to every soul that does the asking....When I ask these eternal questions I sometimes fear I am questioning God....God does things in His own way, in His own time and I don't reckon any of us mere mortals can possibly fathom even an inkling of understanding or insight into the why's and wherefores.....therein lies faith.
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for...The evidence of things not seen"
Faith is a gift....God bestows upon us....Even in the Bible days there were those who asked God why they always wanted to do the things they should not, always wanted to NOT do the things they should....many people want to blame the devil, but humans are all prey to an inherent weakness called "human nature"....otherwise, if it were all the devil, where did the devil's rebelliousness and evil come from? Human nature.
We need to remind ourselves that we and only WE ourselves are responsible for our own foibles and take full responsibility for our mistakes as we are accountable.
Therein lies much of my misery this day....It is very painful and daunting to face oneself and reckon with oneself....admissions of guilt....self-loathing and inner rage....facing down the monster that is ME....Reconciling with the admissions of sin....staring into eyes I do not know....thought I knew....Only through intense prayer and a very strong desire to repent and be cleansed, to know God and to love Him can these inner demons be faced with real true clarity, and although it is cathartic at some level, it is disturbing on many levels as we are forced to see the ME we have become, for only through absolute honesty with God and with ourselves will we ever reach that point...and disturbing though it may be it is illuminating and revealing. We find we never really truly knew ourselves, or knew what we were capable of and that we have been operating under the cloak of self delusiion. Our eyes are opened. It is frightening to know the real me. Because my desire is to serve God and to know Him, I think part of that fear comes from the reality of eternal life VS burning in hell. I see that I could never amount to that which God wills for me even if I were to live a thousand lifetimes....therefore, Thanks be to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, who died for OUR sins, that we may be forgiven!!
I continue to be appalled at who I am....I continue to hope for eternal life to escape this terrible life, this terrible world....yet I live in fear of death....

WHOOO BOYYY!!!!!

Today....I shared my blog, such as it is, with someone I have grown super fond of....I always marvel that we have become such fantastic friends online! Whoda thunk it!?! Lol! Before I hadda puter I was so skeptical about online friendships but ya really can connect well within this network! It's really quite awesome! So, greetings and huggz to you my friend (You kno who ya r!! ) Lol! I'm happy to share this with you!! We have known one another quite a while now and have shared our pain, our joys, our families, our fur kids, our sorrows, our anxieties, our illnessess, our jokes, our tears, our lives throughout the years....our goofy pix, our laugghter, our hearts....I love you and it warms me thru & thru everytime I think of you....I'm so happy you're my friend!!!!!