~BAD 2 WORSE~

LIFE....seems to have gone from bad 2 worse lately 4 me....I am very emotionally distraught....very depressed....I had hoped to move somewhere 2 a warmer climate, to have had some medical work done, to have done much much more with my mt life....I am angry with myself, my cowardice, my fear and anXiety, my computer has been a bitchassmuthafukka and refuses to work properly and I have been unable to post since internet explorer would not work....I tried so many things and just now tried another, by opening EXPLORE I was able to get explorer itself to open without getting all the messages like "invalid page fault", "Invalid stack fault", and others....so was able to UNinstall IE6 and REinstall it, then install windows & IE updates but still it is not working properly so it may be another lengthy stretch before I am again able to update my blog, which I have hoped to keep updated at least every other day, if not daily. It is raining....I am disheartened at my lifes progression...there is none, progress that is. MY health goes downhill steadily, and almost daily it seems a new occurance rears it's ugly head and this week it has been hellish pain in my hips, legs and back. I keep wondering if it is the result of a strange flu bug I recently had...it hit my gut but started in my back & legs and the pain was just awful, and the stomach cramps were very intense. At any rate, summer nears it's end, and that means winters bitter cold misery and I surely sound like a huge pessimist....but winter causes me nothing but misery and illness and I have such a terrible cold-intolerance and my immune system does a huge nosedive....I think I have explained my immune sys disease here but if I haven't yet, I will in the near future. It entails quite a lot...and will be rather lengthy....and I don't have a lotta time right this minute. I keep praying for healing and ease from this paralyzing depression....I hope I will be healed but somehow I feel like it is hopeless....I fight against this depression....I try to keep busy, my mind at least....my friend I was so worried about has made it clear to me he never really cared so very much about me and has held so many old and ancient things against me....some of the things never happened, although he believes they did I guess....he claims to let the past die and forgive & forget but he doesn't/didn't and he hurt me terribly by some things he said....it wasn't necessarily the things he said as much as the things he felt, He made it so clear that he holds things against me and they are so near the surface that the minute he became angry about an unrelated issue, he was instantly ready to attack me. O.K., let me clarify....
He was angry with someone else and was talking to me about it....he feels this other person, (I shall call him Donald) He feels that Donald is nothing but trouble (which he is) and Donald was planning to move back to where my friend lives....My friend did NOT want that but instead of saying so at the onset, allowed Donald to come & stay with him. He has always blamed Donald for making him party & drink , etc....and Donald IS a big troublemaker and a jerk and causes much grief for everyone he knows. He is an alky and a doper and an asshole....he is also mentally ill...anyway, My friend allowed Donald to stay instead of having the guts to say no and Donald stayed about a week and during this time my friend was getting sicker & sicker of having him there and did not have the guts to ask him to leave so one night he got all fired up and just decided to throw Donalds clothes & belongings outside in the yard so when Donald woke up he would see them and get the very blatant hint....I thought it was very rude and gutless to say the least....I felt if he wanted him to leave he should simply ask him to go....but he chose to go ahead & toss the stuff on the lawn and tell Donald that way to get out....he did it knowing Donald had no car or any transportation eiither so left him with needing to find transportation....he had apparently found a house to rent just that day so I guess he did have somewhere to go anyway....so then I told my friend I disagreed with how he did things and that pissed him off....and then a while later my friends Sister was visiting my friend and we spoke of her and I was bummed that for years we'd been out of touch, and I had heard she hated me (I'll call her Denise) and I asked my friend, (Whom I'll call Kip) why Denise hated me
and why after all these years Kip never let on to his family that he and I were friends....some of his family dislikes me and some of them have screwed Kip over a lot thru the years)I had been good friends with Kips sis, Denise though....Well, after I asked him about that, Kip went ballistic! He said it was in the past and why did I have to drag up all these old things and to leave it the F alone....he said why the hell does it matter .....can't u just forget the past? He said it upset him to dredge up all the past and he kept talking all about how it affected HIM....I said what do u mean? Why should I forget about it? It has nothing to do with you! Why should u think u have the right to decide for me how I should feel about something!? I said it always bothered me that Denise suddenly quit liking me for no apparent reason and I had asked YOU, Kip, to question her about it for me years ago and you never did....nor do u seem willing to even acknowledge me as your friend....it's like u are afraid your family will find out I'm ur friend....like ur ashamed of me and I have hung in there with u thru a hell of a lot and your own family was NOT there for you....they ripped u off, they took advantage of you when the chips were down and stabbed u in the back....but it's ME you don't know now huh? Next thing u know he's accusing me of saying things about him to other people and blasting me for shit that happened over 20 years ago and telling me what a piece of shit I am....this all outta the clear blue...some happened in the past and some never happened but he believes it did I guess....he said he cares more about what his family thinks than my feelings and blood is thicker than water and doesn't want his family to know he and I are still friends because they don't like me....so in essence, to me, he considers himself SLUMMING when he hangs with me and is totally not loyal and is totally quick to judge me, slam me, doesn't care one bit about me or my feelings and he really proved it by what he did....he hurt me beyond redemption.....I have forgiven everything he ever did but not this....this was the ultimate slap in the face betrayal and I was slammed down-shit-on....it's just lovely to discover that the person you loved as your truest friend and best buddy turns out to not give a fuck about you.....to discover u mean....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....so, like I said, life has gone from bad 2 worse