AGORA

REARS ITZ UGLY HEAD

LOl Ohhhh my....I've been isolated for too toooo long! I have a chance to get out this evening and I am deep in the throes of an anXiety attack! Partly psyche, partly, that every time I move wrong, something in my back or ?? goes wack, it causes my breathing to get weird, I feel like I'm choking and it makes me freak out & I need to lie down. I think my back makes my hernia pop up, I have a hiatal hernia....because if I eat something and drink a few glasses of water it helps...That is, IF I can manage to get the food to go down. I always feel like my stomach is up in my throat & it's really hard to swallow. At any rate, my back/hernia connection and my messed up neck, which gets me nervous system all wack, where I buzz, shake, vibrate & get dizzy, all conspire to make me just want to park my butt at home & never leave. At home, I feel safe, I can lie down when it all hits....but to try to cope with numbness, dizziness, not being able to swallow & wheezing.....when I'm in front of anyone, even if it IS just my family, still totally freaks me out & I can't deal with it. So...I am sitting here debating with myself about even going out. This is getting worse & worse & I never leave my house anymore. I can't stay locked in here forever! I don't even go to the doctor! I know I need help, many types of help.....and I don't know where to turn. My health is failing from my diet, my bones, my immune system, my terrible teeth, so much more.....I just do not know where to turn!

It's always so different when I try to help someone else....Ican remain more impartial, the emotional conflicts don;t intrude, I can have a totally different perspective.....

I have tried to detach myself from all this and look at myself as someone else and evaluate the situation and come up with some solutions....I'm stillworking on that!

WHY is it so difficult? I think, partly, it's difficult much like reminiscinces....you know, you think back to something & wonder WHY the heck did I DO that? But what we don't take into account were the emotional provocations inherent at the time.

EMOTION and HOW WE FEEL are powerful influences in our behaviours.

PERCEPTIONS ........

If you've ever experienced anxiety attacks, you know that often, we are fearful of returning to the same place or circumstances we were in when an anxiety attack hit, fearing it will bring on another attack.

Very often, our FEAR THAT IT WILL HAPPEN WILL INDEED cause another attack!

I know I need to be aware and arm myself against it...but it's not easy.

It sucks when I have a combination of things at stake....

and the eternal question of which came first, the chicken or the egg...some say "What does it matter!?"....

well, it matters regarding certain things just by virtue of the fact that the order of things can determine the ability to reason out, rationalize, intellectualize a remedy that will feel right and the anxiety can be mastered.

If we can reason WHY the attack began, we can work through the problem.

I know, with my own circumstances, my health problems have been behind much of the anxiety, yet, I'm also a very high strung person so I NEED to know which came first...so I can cope accordingly!

IF my breathing was suddenly messed up by my back and hernia, then freaking out as it happens was a RESULT....

If I was FREAKING OUT and THEN my breathing started to go wack.....Was it an ANXIETY ATTACK? A COINCIDENCE? WHAT?

I always feel the need to know if I am to cope, however, I believe I'm not always able to see the forest for the trees with regard to my own health.

I think I need someone who can remain more impartial.

A shrink?

Oyyy that's another entire issue.....

I don't ever feel able to let down my guard to fully trust a shrink!

We all have inner feelings and thoughts that can be misconstrued and I feel like keeping those myraid thoughts to myself.

I have been to a shrink, I talked too much because I needed to vent & purge....well, my blog is quite nice for venting and purging. I felt embarrassed after my shrink appointment, I felt depressed afterwards and I felt that it was a huge mistake to put myself into someone else's hands and entrust them with my innermost feelings. I felt that they could never truly know me, that they didn't care one way or the other and that I was just another nameless entity, passing thru their doors....

I did NOT want to be a number, some generic bar code....yet, I did NOT want to reveal my soul.

I had a medical doctor who I had felt pretty comfortable with, until he became a bit more cynical and high falutin and decided to diss me...he said he was sick & tired of SSI patients, that we were just a thorn in his side, he couldn't make any money, etc....

He came from a dirt poor upbringing and of all people, should have been able to identify with being poor...and knowing how tough it is to find decent medical care without insurance. It hurt me to know he felt I was one of multitudes of those thorns in his side. I had trusted him, felt he was in my corner.....

he's only one of many who feel that way....I have many friends who have dealt with the same. We all have tried to agree that we won't take it personally, but bottom line is it IS personal, we were NOT just a faceless number, we were patients who needed care and were dissed....bottom line on the diss...? The almighty dollar.

Where are SSI recipients to attain decent medical care?

How many of the people who work in government positions could even think of making ends meet on what we are given to live on when we try to scrape by on SSI?

How many SSI recipients can afford special diets they may need to be on?

Medications?

A vehicle?

Car insurance?

Not to mention, a phone...

or.cable t.v , because what t.v. channels can you get without cable? We get ONE....when it comes in....

When you're sick, and on SSI, you're treated as though you're not entitled, as though you're unclean....

Right after I got on SSI, I went to get some eyeglasses....I shopped a long time, deciding on the frames and when I was finally satisfied with some, knowing it would be a long long time before I'd get another pair, I got a salesgirl to wait on me. She was gushy sweet and very accomodating until I produced my card...THEN she said "Oh, you can't pick from those frames, only these here!" and she shoved a box of rickety old frames at me and left to suck up to a different customer.

I looked in the box and my eyes started to water & I was sure I was gonna start bawlin....and realized then & there that this was how it was gonna be from here out so I figgered I'd better just suck it up and carry on. It was so damn hard! I sat there feeling like everyone was staring at me, like I had a scarlet letter on me....I finally found the least heinous looking frames and knew I was gonna be looking like a total dork in them.....but I walked up to the salesgirl & handed her my card once again & she placed my order for the lenses and I left....and did my swearing and bawling in the car.

Now I knew prejudice of another variety.

It sucked shit!

It also opened my eyes.

Will the world change for the better? I doubt it! It only gets worse, more & more people are so concerned with looking perfect, shunning anyone who's different, girls in grade school are even having plastic surgery to look 'perfect'.....it's all about appearances....and money....

Those of us forced to be on SSI are often slammed as though we're getting a 'free ride', which really pisses me off!!!!!!!! Anyone who has fough tooth & nail, sometimes for YEARS to get SSI just so we can survive and get the most perfunctory medical care and a tiny stpend we can barely exist on KNOWS IT AIN'T NO FREE RIDE BABY! We can barely live, we face derision and scorn as though we're lazy or don't want to work...on n on n on.....

Those who make the laws, decide the amounts, dole out the tiny checks on whose accounts they audit from time to time SHOULD BE FORCED TO TRY & LIVE ON WHAT WE GET!

We don't buy NEW we buy at the Goodwill or the Salvation Army, We don't go out to movies, clubs, concerts.....

If we need something we buy used or go without....

If we're on special diets we're screwed because who on SSI can afford special foods?

If we want to have pets, we need to go without many things so we can scrape up enough to buy pet foods.....and hope our precious pets never get sick....

We try to get to know local vets who would be o.k. with long term payments for pet care and meds.....if God forbid our pets get sick!

Shoes? Get used to wearing used shoes with the shape of someone else's feet or athletes foot from wearing them.....

Hairdo's & haircuts? Better hope you've got a good friend who can cut hair or do your own.....

Perms? Fuggettaboutit! Have you checked the cost of a salon perm lately?

Makeup? HA! We're on the DOLE we're not supposed to care how we look!

Ya like day or two old bread? Get used to it.

FRUIT? Look at the bruised bunches...it's way cheaper!

But dented cans.....again, much cheaper, so what if you risk getting botulism right? Cuz WE DON;T COUNT!!!!

Yeah, all of us on SSI are just OUT FOR A FREE RIDE and MAAAN IT'S SMOOTH SAILING!